Updated: Nov 1, 2020
Over the last few months the power of my purpose has grown. A sudden urgency to my desire has settled within my soul that I'm now having to find the strength to fight because of the basics of Divine Timing.
My whole life I have felt this deep, unexplainable pull towards Motherhood; not just in the sense that I know I want to have kids, but that the reason I'm here, the only purpose I truly have in this life, is to be a Mum.
I've known it for as long as my cells have been dividing. It is an absolute. And I'm pretty sure that most people who have known me at various points throughout my journey know that - no matter how long ago we crossed paths.
As I have continued on, growing up and getting older, I've made decisions that were rooted in working to create the life I wanted in the future (to have a family). I set up Zenaya Yoga with the hope that once my life had come into full alignment and I was ready to fulfil that innate purpose within me to be a Mother, I would have a successful business in place to allow me to be present. To be hands on. To be there for it all. Whilst I love my practice, the reason for the business was to create a future career and income that would work alongside the manifestation of my purpose to be a Mumma.
Over the last few months, I've found myself settling in to my new life in New Zealand, and i've been vocal about how I know I've found the one for me. I've never felt the way I do now, and I've never received love in a way that so harmoniously makes sense to me. We both knew on day one that all the failed relationships and learning of what we didn't want had brought us together, and without those experiences we wouldn't be able to love and connect as beautifully as we do. Essentially - on the journey of us coming together it was the timing that mattered most.
I believe in sixth senses and intuition and energy. And as a result of always staying connected to these things I've noticed that throughout my life almost everything has come to fruition at exactly the right time. Divine Timing is the root cause of all that manifests into our lives, and I'm beginning to fall more deeply in love with surrendering to the power of that life force energy; to trust in this higher power that seems to attract into your life only things that you are ready to receive.
There would have been no point in the universe introducing me to Sam three months prior, a year prior, to when we met. We both still had hard lessons to learn and self-worth to find that had to take place before our togetherness. And it happened at exactly the right time - when neither of us were expecting it, I certainly wasn't looking for it, and that timing was purposeful.
Which leads me on to talk about trusting in this notion of Divine Timing. It's something I've spent maanny hours thinking about, reading about, talking about and I do genuinely believe it's the answer to most things. So many of our anxieties and unhappiness can be removed if we make the decision to trust that everything we want will be ours.. in due course. We can't skip steps and just get what we want immediately. We have to live our lives, fulfil the purpose of each phase of our life, before we can be ready to receive and therefore attract the next thing we desire.
And that's where I'm at now with Motherhood.
I'll break it down for you. I think the reason it feels so much stronger now than it ever has done is two-fold.
First of all, for the first time in my life I'm in a stable, happy, fulfilling, inspiring, exciting, purposeful, real relationship with the type of man I would be honoured to one day call the father of my children. Life is sweet; there's little drama, no toxicity and a whole lot of 'meant to be.' My gut tells me that this is the man I will one day have children with - I've found my life partner, soo... what am I waiting for? If it'll happen at some point, why not now?
And in conjunction with that (urges already skyrocketing, if you can't tell), we moved out to the 'burbs' of Wellington, and I swear to God, it's like the universe is testing me. Every single bloody day we see MULTIPLE tiny humans - and I mean really little babies, sometimes even newborn. We see families. We see the life we know we're heading towards, and my heart aches for it. Plain and simply, I want it. I feel ready for it. I'm in the right relationship with the right love and I just want it. And in hand with that, I have more friends than I care to count at the moment who are pregnant or have just given birth and my feeds are swimming with babies. I see these little faces, and the bonds between parent-and-child, and I know that it's written in our stars. So why do we have to wait?
But I think that's the point I'm trying to get at; the truth of divine timing is that no matter how badly we want something, it doesn't mean we a) deserve it or b) are ready for it. We've all learnt that before. And a big part of our own personal journeys, our paths towards growth and awareness and alignment with who we are is rooted in the work that goes on between 'achieving' those bigger goals.
As a I said before, we don't get to pick and choose. We have to live the full sequence of each phase of our life to get to the next one. Have you ever been single and just wished you could find a partner? I know at points in the past I did. I was lonely. I wanted someone. But there was a reason I wasn't finding anyone. I. Had. Not. Put. The. Work. In. That time was the time for me - to learn myself, to understand my self-worth, to be confident in what I bring to the table so when I am next in a position to love someone, I know pretty damn quickly whether or not I'm willing to waste my time. But the longer we stay stuck in the mindset of 'I want this but I don't have it,' the longer we drag that phase or feeling out.
That sentiment applies to everything - not only relationships or becoming parents. You don't become the CEO of a company without putting in the grind to reach the top. You'd get nowhere if you sat in as an entry-level admin assistant and thought, fuck it i'm so unhappy i'm not the CEO. To hell with that. You don't become a pro-athlete without training your fkn ass off. You don't go from alright to the best. The point being that in those journeys towards getting to where you want to go, you learn so much about yourself and about who you are and what you want out of this life. The journey holds the most precious gemstones that will come in to colour you a wonderful life, and our greatest responsibility to ourselves is to step backwards from our big goals and to feel grateful for where we are. To look at how far we've come, how many steps we've taken, and feel excited. To know that we have already attracted, manifested so many things into our lives that had we not put the work in would never have come to life for us.
So if you're yearning for something, or desperate for something right now, do yourself a favour and step back. Look around you and think about where you are. Remove your energy from that mindset, from that train of thought, and instead find your current magic.
What amazing things make up your daily life?
What wonderful people are around you?
What can you do for yourself right now to look after yourself and add as much happiness and fulfilment into your immediate reality?
What steps are you taking to grow?
How are you making the most out of all the opportunities and the goodness that surrounds you?
You don't achieve things by being blindsided by the big goal. Goals are achieved in increments - when you're ready for them.
But you don't get to decide. Divine Timing does.
I feel ready to be a Mum - more than ever before. But I know that there clearly must still be some personal growth I have to achieve before that otherwise it would be happening. I'm aware that perhaps within my relationship this is a time for us to enjoy and celebrate just being with each other. To continue growing together, learning together, making memories together. The universe shines on Sam & I; it's honestly sprinkled an abundance of opportunity and love onto us, and that's for the simple reason that it's right. I wish I'd learned that beforehand, because it would have saved me a lot of time in the wrong relationships. But then I wouldn't be where I am today, and I wouldn't have the knowledge to know that. What I have now is what I used to dream about. Literally. My focus can and must only stay rooted in that. The rest will come, in natural sequence, as with all things in this life.
There's something kind of beautiful in knowing that it's not up to us. Our stars are already written, we just have the joy of giving life to the journey. So I urge you to trust. To think about this stage of your life and what you can do for yourself; to better yourself, to love yourself, and choose to trust that
everything that's meant for you, will never miss you.
I created the below video as a practice to stay rooted and grounded in how wonderful my life is now, and to stop always wishing for more or the next thing. My life is perfect, right now, and creating this video has helped to shift my perspective away from away future desires and to live in the present - as we all must strive to do!