I've felt a surge of negativity resting within me over the last couple of weeks. I find myself feeling frustrated and angry, disappointed and insecure far more than I thought I would again. When I ended my last relationship and moved to New Zealand I had done such an extensive amount of work on my mindset, on my daily habits and engagements, where I placed my energy and continued to prioritise living in alignment with who I am. I reached a point where I thought there is no turning back now - I've discovered this new way of living that only serves my greatest good and encourages me to thrive and flourish in this human experience.
Then when I met Sam all of those feelings were enhanced tenfold. I met someone who matched me in every area; someone who felt the same and understood life and my perspective on life in this spiritual way, too. It was wonderful. That phase of my life was one of my best feeling phases and I know that that was rooted in the fact I was investing in loving myself, and as a result, I had attracted someone who knew how to love me, too.
And whilst the latter of that has only become more true, what I've lost sight of since December is that commitment to investing in myself. And yesterday I met one of my closest friends for a tea and we were talking and she said something that struck me - when you're in a relationship you stop doing things for you. And it's true. It's so easy to do because you love someone, you want to spend all your time with them, you want to prioritise growing and flourishing in your love etc. and as a result, you get caught up and forget about loving yourself.
Towards the end of my last relationship I came to the conclusion that I was only happy when I was single - I was the best version of myself, and relationships were essentially the cause of my insecurities and unhappiness.
As my journey of self-love and growth developed, I realised that wasn't true at all, I just hadn't quite learnt how to be in a relationship yet and continue to invest in myself. This was largely due to a very naive and 'young' mindset that I held at those times, but also because I hadn't found the right relationship.
And now that I have I realise that relationships aren't the problem at all, I am.
If I stop doing what I need to in order to feel fulfilled, to feel secure in myself, to value myself and love myself, then that's on me, and me alone. As soon as I lose sight of that, I do become unhappy and feel insecure, and these waves of negative emotions, mindsets and perspectives rise to the surface because i've not done anything to keep myself in balance. And I've decided that that all ends today. I've come too far to let myself down now - and my future is waiting for me. I don't want one more day to mirror the life I used to lead, because I am a different person now - and it's time I started acting like it.
It really is that plain and simple.
Which leads me onto a little conversation about insecurities; one of the greatest detriments to how we feel. The reason being that i've felt a little rise in my own insecurities recently and I know that's because i've not been practicing the things I need to - like regular meditation, yoga, controlling my thoughts, and I feel it would be a good thing to shed light on so we can all come back to what's important - and that's choosing to invest in loving ourselves by engaging in the practices we need to and not giving life to those things that serve us no purpose at all.
Insecurities - those fucking bastards.
Insecurities are something that we all struggle with, so let's stop making them such a taboo and open up a dialogue about them so that we can all begin to process them, heal from them and actually start moving on with ourselves.
The wonderful thing i'm learning about insecurities is that you grow out of them - and I don't mean grow out of them like you would grow out a pair of jeans, I mean grow out of them in the sense that if we're on a journey of self-development, we begin to shed layers of ourselves that no longer serve us. As we choose to consciously grow and better ourselves, and give ourselves permission to live the very best life we can, then we're allowing ourselves to evolve. And with an evolution of any kind comes adaptation; comes new ways of being that we realise as we deepen our connection with who we want to be.
As we begin to love ourselves as a result of the various practices we engage in, we learn to value ourselves more. We recognise what we bring to the table and appreciate all that we are and what we want to be. And then our insecurities become powerless. The only thing that gives life to insecurities is us. And whether we like to admit it or not, nobody else in this world - no matter how much they love you or care for you - will be able to still your insecurities.
People in your life can't love your insecurities away.. but you can.
We have the choice every single time that little insecurity pops into our head, niggling at you, to not give energy to it. And trust me i've been there when you want to say, you don't realise how persistent or painful it is to live through these thoughts and have to actively silence them multiple times a day. I get it. I know how much effort it takes and how hard it is. But you can't tell me that it's not worth it.
If everyday you made the decision, and put the work in, to silence those thoughts when they immediately arise in your thoughts, you will notice that after even just a few days, those thoughts will begin to pop up less. The amount of time and energy you have to invest into halting them will reduce, simply because you're not giving life to them anymore. The more we fuel these types of thoughts, especially when it comes to comparisons (which is largely the root cause of all insecurity), the greater happiness and peace we feel. Those thoughts and feelings gain traction the more time and energy is fed into them. Being able to say to yourself EVERY single time they pop into your head - 'no, i'm not giving life to you. This is not worth my energy. Instead i'm going to give energy to _____.'
I have found this to be one of the most transformative practices of my life - and I noticed, honestly, within a few days the number of times I had to soothe myself reduced so much. And by the time a week, two weeks passed, it began to fade away from my mind. It was no longer prominent and powerful; perhaps it was a dull thought that arose from time to time, but now I had control over it. I knew I wasn't going to let it influence me because I know how I felt when I did - and that is not a feeling I want to experience for the rest of my life. Insecurities cause us to suffer immense amounts - soooo much more than we need to. And being able to admit that we've not done the best by ourselves is a really difficult thing to do, but it holds the key to transforming your life. Recognise and accept that insecurities are your responsibility, and it's up to you to change the types of thoughts that flood your mind and overwhelm your bodies. Hold yourself accountable. Put the work in because you will see changes, and it is you that will reap the benefits.
One thing that makes taking ownership over our insecurities difficult is social media because it has allowed us to have far too much unrestricted and unlimited access to things that 1) in the past we wouldn't have had access to, and 2) only feed our insecurities.
Think about it honestly - how often do you 'stalk' people on social media and more often than not come away feeling unhappy with where you're at in life/ what you look like/ what your relationship (or lack thereof) is like etc.?
That consistent comparison we literally DO TO OURSELVES creates persistent negative feelings about who we are and is detrimental to our self-image.
The likes of instagram and facebook have, for many of us, made our default setting be one of insecurity; of feeling like we're not good enough compared to someone else. The 'consistent highlight reels' that we not only WILLINGLY expose ourselves, but CHOOSE to give value to, are destructive beyond words. And even though we can be fully aware that pictures we see have been posted by an insecure person behind a phone desperate for their ego to be stroked because they need to feel like enough, we can still find ourselves feeling shitty about ourselves. Because that's the reality. The number of people who have no self-esteem and turn to social media to feel validated because of the number of likes they get on a photo of their ass has SKYROCKETED.
We have allowed ourselves as a collective to be brainwashed into believing we are not good enough. Well here's a fucking newsflash for you: YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
Bringing yourself back to this truth every time an insecurity arises in your mind is going to be the getaway car you've been waiting for for all these years.
Things like that don't just go away - YOU have to make them go away. So begin training your mind; start taking back your power and stop feeling sorry for yourself because your insecurities are ruining your relationships and the quality of your life. If you keep blaming things that happened to you or the way you felt in the past, you won't get anywhere. And no matter how much people love you, they do get tired of reassuring you over and over again on the same things that you've made up in your mind.
This is your time to invest in loving yourself and choosing a different reality. You don't need to feel insecure - start placing your energy and your focus onto thoughts that bring you up and make you feel good every time you start to feel an insecurity creeping in. Even write down a little list of thoughts you'll redirect yourself to when that does occur.
For example, if an insecurity pops into your head, you repeat that sentence from earlier to yourself, and then you change the direction of your thoughts to
a) think about what you're grateful for
b) directly counter your insecurity - e.g. if you're feeling insecure you're not pretty enough (because you're comparing yourself to someone you do think is pretty, just fyi), start listing everything you DO find pretty about yourself
c) think about your to-do list for the rest of the day
d) call someone
e) repeat pre-written affirmations to yourself
f) tell yourself that you're creating a better life for yourself and feeding these insecurities is not a part of that. You have chosen to leave this way of thinking and being in the past as you evolve into the best version of yourself
There are so many ways to hold yourself accountable to not giving life to your negative feelings or thoughts, you'll figure out what works best for you. I hope you find the strength to commit to yourself because the only person who suffers is you - and you deserve more than that.
Remember that insecurities are normal, and from time-to-time they will arise; that doesn't mean you're not doing an amazing job. Just keep on investing in yourself and transforming your life day by day - you're on your way to realising your truth, and it's a beautiful journey