I need to write today.
What about? I'm not so sure - but i've been drawn to this page for a while now and i know that I need to honour that feeling even if i don't know where it will take me.
I felt super anxious tonight. I don't know what it is. The last few days i've felt a little bit off. My insecurities have flared up, my mood seems to drop in the evenings, i've noticed myself being grumpy and creating issues that don't exist with the one person who makes everything make sense. My only thoughts are, fuck I hope I'm coming on my period.
It's hard being a girl a lot of the time when our emotions are so susceptible to the changes in our hormones. Maybe it's not the same for everyone, but for me it's a really big issue, and something I struggle with every month. I don't feel like myself, I feel so disconnected and I find myself entertaining negative thoughts or obsessive mind spirals that only work to lower my vibration and hurt myself in the end.
Self-destruction is no stranger to me, and I realised tonight that I have to find strength when that happens. If you're on my instagram you'll have seen the videos I shared with you of Oriental Bay tonight. I pulled over - I was driving on my way to Customhouse Quay, the location of Atlas - the restaurant my boyfriend manages - and I was completely overwhelmed with the beauty of the city.
For anyone who knows me you'll know i'm really not a city girl, but I've always fallen in love with city lights. Wellington at night from Oriental Parade is stunning, and tonight we were also gifted with a beautifully bright waxing crescent moon with earthshine. It was breathtaking - my phone camera isn't anywhere good enough to have been able to capture the magic that this city held tonight.
Wellington City - a photo that does not do it justice
Wellington is the most magical city - and taking time to sit on a bench on Oriental Bay, taking in the moon in all its glory just slightly hovering above the illumination of the city has healing powers.
There's something that allows you to bring everything in to perspective when you just tune into a little bit of stillness. And anyone with anxiety, or who suffers from negative thoughts and overwhelming emotions, will know that it's not an easy thing to do. To find yourself long enough in a moment to think 'stop this now,' and take action to distract yourself takes effort that we don't always have. But each moment we do choose to value ourselves and what we deserve, the closer we are to changing the default settings of our minds and bringing that reality of clarity, of calmness, of control of ourselves a little bit closer.
Tonight for me I caught myself in the midst of my spiral for just long enough to drag myself up off of the sofa, put some clothes on, tie up my shoes and walk out of my front door. Self-destruction becomes us and there's something so addictive about its nature that it's terrifying to think about how we'll ever break free from this toxic relationship we have with ourselves. But we will, and we do.
I left the house, Atlas as my destination. I knew that I couldn't be with Sam, but i've spent so much time at the bar of that restaurant that when I walk in a wave of comfort surrounds me. It feels homely, the people who work there I've known for a long time and the friendships are largely uplifting and comforting. And then there's the reality behind the magic that is sitting at a bar, immersed in your writing or a task at hand, just nestled in amongst the bustle and the experience of life. That act alone I find empowering. I'm sat here writing, and life is taking place around me.
I'm such a susceptible and sensitive person that simply being around human energy uplifts me. It brings me back into a perspective that makes sense; to a me that is connected with the magic of life and the beauty of connection.
And in all honesty, I could go to any bar or restaurant for that desired emotional outcome, but I come here because he's here. When I come to Atlas I get to reap all those benefits that I know will look after my mental health, and I get to watch my man work. The boy is absolutely incredible at what he does, I fall in love with him even more every time I get to simply witness it. And whilst I would of course rather be able to wrap myself around him and let myself sink into his strength, simply being near him is one of my greatest healers. He brings me back to myself. I've never experienced that before. I didn't know it was possible for another human to make you feel more like the rawest and most authentic version of yourself simply by seeing you for who you are.
There's this long mirror behind the bar at Atlas and it reflects a view of the entire restaurant. So while i'm sat here in my little typing haven, all it takes is a gentle glance up to see him working his magic. And sometimes I catch myself watching him, and I can't recall how long i've been doing it for. At times it's only when he walks past me on either side to head backwards that I take my eyes off of him. Honestly I could watch him forever, and I could never tire of it.
Before Sam I never knew or fully understood that hospitality and service jobs could be careers. I thought they were part-time jobs you picked up on the sideline of uni or while you were figuring life out, but when I met Sam I also met thisw hole world where hospitality is more than simply a career. It's a passion; it's a love for serving people and creating these wonderful, memorable, beautiful experiences that few things compare to. And it is a career. There's money in it - but more than that, there's love, and then there's a man who's eyes light up everytime he talks about the order of service; of creating an unforgettable experience for each guest no matter who they are; and who's heart is so invested in what he does it can only but inspire you to find that passion for yourself.
So when my anxiety levels rise, and i'm in self-destruct mode, I have the blessing of this love at my fingertips that reminds me of everything that I believe in; everything I believe in about myself and about this life I come to realise as if for the first time and the feeling is wonderful.
So whilst I still feel fragile, and a bit emotional (let's hope it is my period eh ;)), just being able to sit here, and simply express to you my reality and the waves of my emotions tonight has been empowering. I feel healing taking place as I shift my mindset and bring myself back into alignment. And without even knowing it my wonderful partner has once again impacted my life and made it so much better simply for existing, and being as passionate as he is about hospitality. He inspires me on a daily basis - not only to shoot for the stars and to beleive in myself, but he shows me what it looks like to love myself unconditionally, because he shows me that - even when I am nothing short of a nightmare.
I think love like that is worth holding out for. And I know i've talked about it a lot but after coming out of a relationship that held such a different reality, I just want people to know that leaving those relationships is ok. Leaving people who don't value you, or make you believe in yourself, is ok. I know how hard it is to realise that when your reality knows nothiing else, but if I can reassure you on anything it is that greater things are out there. It is possible to be with people - whether that be friends or lovers - who do nothing but lift you up and make you feel incredible every single day. That does exist and it isn't just a fairytale we're all sold that never really comes true.
Please love yourself as you deserve to. And that means slamming on the breaks every time those negative thoughts, those obsessive and painful ways of thinking and analysing and comparing crop up. You are so much more than that, and whilst they can feel powerful when you're in the depths of those emotions, you can take away any and all of that momentum by forcing yourself to step out of that space. Literally step out - go for a walk, go for a drive, ring a friend. You realise as soon as you take an action to step out of that headspace that you feel the momentum lessening. You don't feel it's strength coming into your heartspace, and you're reconnected with the things that add meaning and love and inspiration to your life. Those things exist, and they're far more accessible than we sometimes like to admit.
Self-destruction is an addictive thing, and like any addiction the desire, the need, to recover must come from you. So make the decision, if you haven't already, that today you choose yourself. You will no longer fall slave to that self-destruction that has ruined so many wonderful things in your life. Name it - self-destruction. Give it a face; maybe it's an animal, or a colour, or a place. Literally self-soothe. No, I see you, I'm not giving into you anymore. This is my time now. And there is no room for you.
This life really is wonderful, and our pain can try to convince us of otherwise. Be better than that. You know yourself, and you know you can do more. So don't stop fighting for yourself until these thoughts become so infrequent, you become so strong in who you are, that when they do arise laughter is the only thing they're met with. Nice try, but we said goodbye a long time ago.
So I raise you a glass - here's to putting ourselves first and fighting for our happiness. There is no greater fight than the one that puts our colours at the heart of our lives.