Updated: Nov 1, 2020
The last couple of weeks have been the most difficult of my life in many ways.. and yet, i'm doing uncharacteristically well. And in all honesty, I don't know how.. or why..
In the past I have managed much less painful and impacting situations than this one with much less grace, strength or peace of mind. Past versions of me would have crumbled at much less serious situations and taken weeks, if not months, to recover from them, no matter how good my intentions were to be stronger.
So how is it that something that threatened to undo all the progress I've made, arose, with brute force, and I'm not only still standing, but i'm smiling, too?
I came to a beautiful realisation when I was thinking about the hows and the whys of it all.
And it's boils down to the fact that
I'm being held up.
I found my strength in the love I wasn't looking for. And ever since that day my life has been easy. No mountain has been too steep, no challenge has been too difficult, no emotional pain has been too great to bare because now I have my rock. I have a love that never ceases to inspire me, and i'm loved in ways I never knew existed. And as a result, I've developed new ways of being, new default settings that are rooted in strength, and grace, and confidence. Simply because i'm loved well.
It got me thinking, this notion that life becomes easy when you're with the right person, and what that could mean. How we could apply that to our relationships sooner so that we don't waste our time on the wrong people; that we don't get sucked into toxic or dead-end relationships before we give ourselves the chance to truly experience what real love is.
In my last relationship the smallest problem felt insurmountable. I'm honestly not sure I would have made it through this particular situation at any point in the past. It would have buried me and I'm not sure I would've found the strength to climb my way out of the darkness. But with Sam, the darkness came only momentarily. And when it did, his arms were my protection and his love was the candle shielding me from the blackness. I never came to face it at all, let alone, because every time my knees buckled underneath me, he was there. My body never hit the floor. And my tears never drowned me because each time they flowed, he was there, making me laugh somehow - a beautiful interruption my tears had never known before him.
Being with someone who loves you unconditionally gives you the freedom and courage to be yourself. You're able to express yourself without judgement. Talk honestly about how you feel without worrying it might push them away. Take away all negatives from the equation, and you're left with two people who know themselves and want to be the best versions of themselves, for each other.
So I suppose, what i'm trying to say is, that Sam is my rock. And the reason i'm doing so well is probably rooted in him and the way that he loves me. But more than that, it's about the way I love myself, now, too. When you're loved well, you grow. You get stronger. You get better. Because you know you're safe to do so. Your energy can be invested in the good things, not the irrational fears or insecurities that once upon a time was all you knew.
The environment I live in now is one of safety and support, of pure love and genuine connection that gives me the freedom to invest my energy wisely. Whilst Sam has helped to get me through, I've developed this strength inside of me since being with him that could have only ever existed on the foundation of the love we share, because without it, my energy would still be wasted on all those things I needed to let go to set myself free.
And I think it's really important to stress that 'saving yourself' or developing strength must come from within you. It's integral to know yourself and to love yourself fully before getting into a serious relationship because relationships don't fix you. And nor should they. Your insecurities, your jealousies, your baggage - that's all yours. And until you sort through it and find the core of who you are, and then love that person with everything you have, you won't attract the right relationship or the right person.
Once you have the courage to turn your awareness inwards and figure it all out, your life will start to, and continue to, blossom into the magic you deserve it to be.
Sam never saved me. I saved myself. But the purpose of a relationship, a partnership, is to save each other when the world becomes dark. Knowing you have someone to curl into and let your guard down to; to show the rawest parts of yourself and know without a doubt in your mind that they won't leave you. That is love. It's what we're all searching for. A timeless love that will never let you down and never fail to colour your life with laughter or cups of tea when you need them the most. A love that will put you above all else, and never let you go to sleep feeling alone, especially when times are hard.
Hold out for that love. Wait for the man whose love you never have to doubt. And if you're fearful about what that might mean, look to yourself and trust that what is meant for you will never miss you. Love is worth the wait.
An hour after meeting him, I knew Sam was my soulmate. This was the first big hurdle of our relationship - but it didn't feel like it for one moment. If anything, it solidified everything we already knew.
And I guess that's how you know. With the right person the big things don't feel so big anymore, because you know no matter what, your love will get you through.